WHAT IS THE MOTHER WOUND AND HOW CAN I HEAL IT?
*Please note for simplicity, we refer to the parent who most symbolized the divine feminine quality as the mother in this piece, but we do not limit those roles to any particular gender.
Our relationship with our mothers is often the most formative relationship of our lives. Upon conception, we begin to collaborate with the parent who births us. Consider the symbolism of the creation of the placenta which nourishes us in utero; it is built from cells from both us and our mother. Our nervous system learns from that of our mothers, our nutrients come from her body. So much happens between us before we are even earthside.
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How Patterns Are Passed Down From Generation to Generation
For the period of time we live in our mother’s womb, she is our universe. Our sense of what the world is and who we are begins here. In “When The Drummers Were Women: A Spiritual History of Rhythm”, Layne Redmond writes,
“All the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother. This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother. Each of us spent five months in our grandmother's womb, and she in turn formed within the womb of her grandmother. We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother's blood before she herself is born, and this pulse is the thread of blood that runs all the way back through the grandmothers to the first mother.”
The matrilineal connection magically connects us to all the women who came before us, and expands its influence in our infancy and early childhood. Because we are so incredibly dependent on our parents, and in particular the one who births us, our experience with our mothers often echoes into our lives as adults.
How the Mother Wound Forms
If our mother was anxious and fearful she might not be doing things right, we might inherit this habit of worry. If she didn’t trust us to do things in our own way, and instead protected us by enforcing a rigid concept of how things should be done, we might always find security in control, or perhaps, reject control completely, instead opting to rebel against anything that even slightly resembles control to us. For some, we somehow find our roles reversed with our mother, and end up caretaking our own parent emotionally, practically, or both. Perhaps, after establishing this dynamic so early on, we learned to develop a sense of safety in bypassing our own experience and instead tuning into that of others.
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The Core of the Mother Wound
The Mother Wound can manifest in so many ways, but ultimately it boils down to our belief (or lack of belief) that we are loved and worthy of care, that our needs and sensitivities matter, and that not only are we safe to be who we are, but we are cherished and loved without condition. From this belief comes our ability to trust ourselves and the world around us, to feel supported by the universe or not.
Recognizing the Mother Wound
How do we know we have the Mother Wound? One thing we might observe is our ability to receive and give support and allow true intimacy in our lives. If we notice that we are uncomfortable getting too close to others, we might be protecting ourselves from the same experience of abandonment or disappointment we had as children. If we have a tendency to enmesh with those we love, we may have a limiting belief that we cannot have a separate self. This may come from not being encouraged to have independence when we were children.
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Healing the Mother Wound
The first step to healing is awareness, and if we notice these patterns, it is important for us to gently take our time with the emotions that may come up, to not judge the anger, fear, or resentment we feel, while also understanding that we are no longer children.
It helps to take this healing process in stages, at first celebrating that we notice the patterns we are repeating and then allowing time to feel the grief that may arise. When we are ready, we can start to let go of the need to blame and instead see ourselves and our mother with the eyes of compassion. It is possible that our mothers had their own wounds and circumstances and they did the best they could?
Once we notice the patterns and give ourselves time to feel once buried emotions and feelings, we can start to ask what we are learning from these patterns, what we want to take accountability for, and the gentlest ways to create change. If shame and guilt arise, which is to be expected, we can turn to Mother Earth, who in so many ways is the divine mother to us all, and practice creating a relationship of trust and receptivity.
By naming the patterns we are participating in, and taking responsibility for our part, we show a willingness to heal, which helps us learn our lessons without unnecessary difficulty. For some of us, healing our Mother Wound might mean showing up with newfound compassion and strong boundaries. For others, our repair with our mothers comes through relating to our partners, friends, and authority figures with more transparency.
Healing with Mother Earth
In many ways, our true divine Mother is the Earth. By allowing ourselves to truly receive the bounty and abundance that the earth so generously gives, we can learn to receive support, trust, and ultimately, a sense of unconditional love from spending time in nature. How does Mother Earth teach us how to be patient and vulnerable? How can we learn gratitude from her example? How about the courage to grow?
Healing the Mother Wound, in so many ways, is about healing our relationship to our own divine feminine energy, and allowing our masculine and feminine energies to come into balance so we can feel a sense of belonging and safety in all that we are. By noticing what we reject in our mothers, we can come into more awareness about what we reject in ourselves. When we let compassion lead, we can slowly forgive ourselves and our mothers for the wounds that we have inherited and transform them into wisdom that benefits future generations of women.
